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a day in the life

and other stories….

Month

July 2015

Bargaining

According to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, there are five stages of grief.

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. And Acceptance.

I feel like I have been going through these stages over and over in my life. The cycle never ends. And now, as I sit here in another clinic, to meet yet another eye doctor, I feel like I’ve opened another door for denial and asking the same questions I have been asking at the very start of this journey.

What do I hope to accomplish?

I don’t know. I am sure of one thing though. I am sure that I want to be free from any pain that my eye brings. I want to be normal in the definition that I am able to live a pain free life. I don’t want to be tied to this deficit and I want to have the chance to happily pursue my dreams and be free from rising intraocular pressures, or of multiple abrasions, or of eye medications, and the heartbreak of dying eyeballs. I want to wake up from this hellish nightmare that has plagued me since that awful day in October 1989.

Is that even possible? I pray that it’ll be possible.

Please make it possible.

suicidal thoughts? nah!

A few days ago on the news, a 15 year old girl, took her life. She didn’t say why she did it on her suicide note which made sense because she doesn’t need to explain herself to anyone anyway.

However, I felt sad. Not only because this person felt so down in the pits that she didn’t see any hope out of whatever dilemma she was experiencing. But also because she was physically normal and didn’t know how big a blessing that already is.

I realized compared to her, I have more reason to kill myself.

But I didn’t. And I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if I had.

Waiting…

There is no comfort in waiting at doctor’s offices. The relief comes after the check-up is done. And even then, it sometimes, does not yield good results. I agree when they said that hospital walls have heard the most prayers. I wonder, if the prayers had ink, would we be able to read all those petitions on the walls? Or would they appear like graffiti, with the prayers overlapping each other in urgency. I’ve sat in doctor’s offices so many times I lost count. Sometimes, I win the battle, while other times, I’m at a loss. Today, as I sit here waiting for my appointment, I splash a new petition on the wall praying that the odds will be in my favor. I’m sitting next to a girl who obviously hasn’t had an extensive experience of waiting at clinics. She was talking with someone on her phone and complaining that she has been waiting for an hour. As someone who has waited for far longer than that, I just couldn’t help but smile. We all make sacrifices. And if we wanted to be treated by the best, then we’ll have to wait in line like all the other patient adults. You can never know pain like the kind people with chronic illness feels. Even if they’re stable and in remission, there is still that gnawing apprehension of pain to come and you’re in constant panic. Once in a while you forget that you are sick. Sometimes, you find yourself alone, laughing at something that amused you, and you feel that perhaps, you could be happy after-all. It’s like you have convinced yourself of the possibility of silver linings. Then, there could be times when you could be surrounded with everyone you love and who loves you, yet feel very much alone. Spiritually, I try to think there’s a reason that this happened to me. I was born Catholic and I grew up believing that everything that happens to us is through our choices and of God’s plans for our lives. But sadly, try as I might, I can never fathom why something as horrible as this, was allowed by God to pass to my life. What good could come out of this? And if god was teaching me a lesson, haven’t I learned it yet? Why the endless obstacles? I wasn’t born with this condition and there is not a day that I don’t ponder on the will of God of why he allowed this to happen. There is always an obstacle. And when you’ve won a round, you may think that you’ve passed. But then the universe drops a bomb and another test comes along to challenge you. I see it as if I’m in a Mario Bros game and every conquer of a level, ups the ante for a much challenging task ahead. When will this stop? But there is never an answer. I sometimes feel that my prayers are just floating in the wide void of heaven waiting for ears to hear them out. Some of my prayers get heard, but the ones that REALLY matter, are left unanswered. I’ve always wondered why that is. I don’t mean to be righteous but my prayers are not selfish. I don’t pray for winning lottery numbers or getting big bucks. I have simple specific prayers for me and my family. I don’t mean to compare but there are others who have far more sins than I do but they’re ‘blessed’ with good health, a good job, traveling opportunities, relationships…. I could go on and on but that would only make me feel bitter.

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